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Submitted on
June 14, 2013
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So, another one from my story collection. Trying to keep it under 500 words.

Word Count: 498

Please comment/critique

How could i improve this without going over 500 words? I may re-write it as a longer version in the future, but at the moment i'd like to keep it at 500 :)

** EDIT **

Oh!! Thanks so much for the DD! Made me happy when i finished a 14 hour shift and saw it! <3
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Daily Deviation

Given 2013-06-29
The juxtaposition of visuals in Episode 3: Magpie Chicken by =OHiNeedTea lends more power to this nonfiction narrative. ( Featured by neurotype )
poeknowsprose Featured By Owner Sep 24, 2013
Here is your critique!
Cobrateen Featured By Owner Jun 30, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
The first thing that strikes me about this piece is how short it is visually. I think because I read the title, Episode 3, I expected something longer. BUT then I saw that you wanted to write something under 500 words, which I thoroughly approve of, so I must instead commend you. AND the story doesn't feel short when reading it, because of how powerful and complicated it is. You fit a lot in to those 498 words, and that's very good.

I like the connection you make between the dead magpie and the disappearance of the mother, and that connection was set up well by first hinting about the mother and next describing the magpie's game. Those two intertwined stories lead to the sad conclusion/implication that the mother has been killed or taken away forever by the second figure, a very powerful moment that ends the piece on a cliffhanger.

I like the British-isms that gives the story such a strong voice. Using words like “snog” and phrases like “talking in maths” sets the location far better than any actual declaration of setting like you use at the start. If anything, I wish those words and phrases didn't seem to end so quickly, after about halfway through the piece I don't see them anymore.

I'm having a really hard time finding problems with this piece, which is good news for you but makes critique difficult. So to answer your question and end this critique: maybe if you took out a few unnecessary words, you could add in more other stuff and still stay under 500. Starting from the top: “Hawthorne Drive, Thorpe Edge, Bradford. 1999.” These set the scene, but like I already said, you did that perfectly with your words later. “If I tried,” She then spends a chunk of the piece doing exactly that, so it's not really a question of If she will. “I kept my mouth shut.” Since she doesn't immediately go tattle, this is obvious. “Seemed to” Why not just say they have developed it?

As for what to add, I did feel like the switch from listening to her brothers talk to thinking about the magpies was a bit sudden and not smooth. Maybe a short sentence between, “in three weeks” and “I strained to listen” that gets at how the narrator feels about her mother not being home. And maybe in doing that the narrator stops listening to her brothers, and so from there get distracted by the magpies in a somewhat more natural transition. Just an idea.

In conclusion, very dramatic and suspenseful. I think your goal of 500 words or less is very admirable, and I bet doing so helped you write such a powerful piece. Good luck, congrats on the DD and if you have any questions please ask.
DailyBreadCafe Featured By Owner Jul 1, 2013   Writer
Thanks so much for the very helpful critique. I'll take your suggestions into consideration when i edit, especially on making it a bit smoother because I know that part is a bit jumpy.  Also suggesting where i can remove words is really helpful too, so thanks so much!

Also, thanks for the congrats, i seem to have logged on two days too late to see myself on the front page haha!
Cobrateen Featured By Owner Jul 1, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
You're very welcome, I'm glad you found it helpful!
Karinta Featured By Owner Jun 30, 2013  Student General Artist
Wow.... that story is powerful. It's atmospheric at the beginning and a little scary at the end.
DailyBreadCafe Featured By Owner Jul 1, 2013   Writer
Thanks :love:
Karinta Featured By Owner Jul 1, 2013  Student General Artist
You're welcome. :hug:
TheGalleryOfEve Featured By Owner Jun 29, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Congratulations on your well-deserved DD!!! :iconflyingheartsplz::iconlainloveplz::iconflyingheartsplz: :clap::clap::clap:
DailyBreadCafe Featured By Owner Jul 1, 2013   Writer
Thanks so much :D :heart:
SimplySilent Featured By Owner Jun 29, 2013
:heart: Congrats on the DD! :clap:
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