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You’d have thought I’d killed someone by the way she was going on about it. Got me sitting on a butt-breaking stool while she called mi mam, all ‘cos I said the word ‘fuck’ in assembly. It wasn’t even my fault really, it was that fat git Alana Whitika who leaned back and crushed my fingers. Who wouldn’t have screamed? Someone should go sit on Mrs Waddington’s fingers, see how she likes it... but then again Mrs Waddington is pretty huge too.

    The nickname Waddlebottom seems to have stuck with the younger kids, courtesy of yours truly ofcourse. Seriously, you should see the way it moves when she walks and sometimes even when she’s standing still. Devon reckons it wobbles like jelly but I’m pretty sure it’s more radical than that. I actually think she ate some live squid and that they’re trapped in her arse, just trying to get out. ‘Cos that’s how you eat squid, ain’t it, alive? If I were a squid and someone tried to eat me I’d just grab hold of their heart on my way down and be like ‘HAHA FUCKERS’. Yeah, boom. No one would be eating me.

    I was just planning how to free the squid – there’s probably at least 100 – when Waddlebottom came from her office. Oooh, looking a tad bit flustered, I reckon mi mam gave her a good ole verbal two fingers when she mentioned my ‘terrible behaviour’.

    ‘No play time or lunch time for a week,’ she spat. And when I say spat, I mean my face was near enough drenched in her germs. I was going to say there was no need to spit at me but she’d definitely spit more and then I’d catch typhoid... or is it typhus...? I dunno, point is I read something in the paper about it being deadly and passed on through dirty water.

    At any rate, she turned and started waddling off towards the door. Just then I’m sure one of the squids waved at me and in an attempt to hold back a giggle, I blew a raspberry. Damn, was she pissed. I always thought she was a little bit crazy but now I’m entirely convinced she’s actually possessed. Her face turned all crinkly (not that it wasn’t a bit crinkly before) and I swear she was the same colour as the walls – we were in the red room, where all the young kids had their play groups. I can’t imagine how this would have looked in a black room, or a white room but it was some scary shit.

    ‘What was that?’ she demanded – I’m sure I caught typhus/typhoid right then.

    ‘Nowt.’ Was my answer. She looked down at me through the thick glass of her specs, the glare blinding me. I thought about telling her to take a step back ‘coz her boobs were almost punching me in the face, but she was being pretty morngy so I decided to just chill.

      I’m sure she was just about to give it to me, it had become routine over the years. She inhaled, her boobs coming dangerously close to my ramming me in the face and I sighed, preparing to slouch and roll my eyes. Just then, before Waddlebottom could even begin her speech and ultimately give me a bacteria infested shower, there was a knock at the door and a man, all kitted out in police gear stepped in.

    I’d have thought it was a bit rude – to barge in without waiting for a reply – but he’d obviously come to my rescue so I gave two fingers to manners. Waddington spun round faster than the Tasmanian devil. If she hadn’t seen his uniform she’d probably have attacked him for disturbing her when she was just about to devour her prey. Instead, she blushed a little and smiled prettily. I almost vommed. Then came the clincher:

    “Lisa Waddington, I am arresting you on suspicion of murder.”

     

     

So i found this little piece of flash fiction that i wrote years ago. I think it was an exercise on voice, but i was laughing my arse off as i read it. 
Thought i'd just post it here for anyone who wants to have a laugh
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fyoot's avatar
My comment was going to be about how brilliant and consistent the voice was in this, so as an exercise in voice it's pretty spot-on.  I've always spelt it maungy, but :shrug: